An Earthquake in the UK

A major earthquake measuring 5.9 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Thursday morning. Epicentre: Chesterfield, Derbyshire, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried around the UK by 85,000 racing pigeons. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering”flippineck" and “choofinnoorah“. The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Radio Leeds reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms
with the fact that something interesting had happened in Chesterfield.

One resident, Tracey Sharon Braithwaite, a 15yr old mother of seven said “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Madonna came running to my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyley Morgan and Britney Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching “Trisha " next morning.

Apparently though, looting and crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and bone china from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for anyone unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sports socks
Rockport boots

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
tins of baked beans
ice cream
Cans of colt 45 or special brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms;
£2.00 buys fish & chips and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine;
£5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Urgently required is tinned whippet food.

Please do not send tents as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population in area.

You are a datgum nut Rurik.